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I am a very perceptive person. And, as a very perceptive person, I am very good at identifying others’ flaws and shortcomings. By whose standard you may ask? Mine.
I see people messing up all the time. I’m really good at it. I can pick out people’s driving and parking flaws. I can notice when someone isn’t chewing their food correctly. I can immediately identify when someone says a word wrong and feel like it is my duty to immediately correct them. It’s my duty! Sometimes I feel like the most important person in the world who has been charged with the task of correcting the wrong and judging the mistaken.
Now, as I hope you can all tell, I was just laying it on pretty thick there…
But, there’s another side of the coin to consider. Our Side. For instance, the other day in mass, I noticed this lady reading one of the information cards in the pew DURING THE CONSECRATION! I was racking my brain, trying to figure out some sort of explanation for how she could think that card was more important than our Lord. Unbelievable! How dare she?! I mean, our Lord has just appeared and at that moment she is choosing to look at some piece of paper? Not cool lady... not cool. Then it hit me... While I was judging her for not paying attention during the consecration, I wasn't paying attention either.
*cough* hypocrite *cough*
This also happens when I am exercising my duties as a spiritual leader in our home. I will be struggling in my prayer life or with my relationship with God, and I will assume my wife is too. So, like an idiot, I ask her how she's doing spiritually and try to encourage her, when the entire time the problem lies with me! I'm so holy...
Often times, the things that frustrate us about others are the things that frustrate us about ourselves.
So, on that bombshell, I will leave you with the words of my late mother (God rest her soul) that come and tap me on the shoulder every single time I get into this "I'm better than them" mindset:
Sweep your own doorstep first.
Lance Rosen
Kids these days. A common phrase I had never DREAMED of using when I was younger. Today I find myself saying it more and more as the gap between me and High School graduates grows significantly larger.
Now that I am a parent I dub myself an expert at child rearing and shall offer my opinions and judgments freely to others parents…just kidding! I am NO expert, far from it. Everyday I learn something new from my kids and other parents around me. This post is simply an observation, an opinion formed from A) having once been a kid, B) working with youth/young adults, and C) the smallest bit I have learned being a mother to a 5 and almost 1 year old. Back in the day, in my parent’s time, children were workers. They worked on the farm, worked in the shop, the family store, etc. When they were done their chores they could play. They also knew HOW to play, use their imagination, resolve conflict, quickly learn about action and consequence, and finally you were NOT entitled nor deserved anything, you earned it. Now many decades have passed. There are a VAST amount of studies and articles about the effects of too much technology. I will not delve into that. There is also the sad and disturbing reality that our world is not safe. The increase in abductions, molestations, child abuse etc. has led to the sad state where we can no longer send our children off to the park unsupervised to play until supper. Even at the tail end of my childhood that was coming to effect. So what is the point of this article? Well, somehow with all the changes that have happened we have gone from raising well-adjusted, self-reliant adults, to over grown children. There are a MULTITUDE of factors that play into this, but I am going to focus on the easy fixes as well as the LESS offensive….. RESPECTING ADULTS (age FOREVER)
CLEANING ROOM (age 3 - forever)
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Raising a Child
Do it for them. Allow them to whine and complain until you do it for them. Don’t teach them to do it properly or punish them for not doing it properly and end up redoing it for them.
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VS. |
Raising an Adult
MAKE THEM DO IT. MAKE THEM DO IT PROPERLY.
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DISHES (age 5-forever)
Raising a Child
Refer to cleaning room.
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VS. |
Raising an Adult
Refer to cleaning room. Obviously adjusting to their capability and age. Even just starting out by helping, and learning how to clear their dishes.
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LAUNDRY (age 10-forever)
Raising a Child
Doing their Laundry for them…even when they are in college….and Married….and then doing their children’s laundry.
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VS. |
Raising an Adult
Teach them how…and cut your laundry load in HALF!
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PLAY TIME (age: forever)
Raising a Child
Technology overload. Tell them what, when and How to play. Helicopter parent so as not to let any hurt or conflict touch your sweet innocent child. Immediately tell the other kid’s parent how bad of a parent they are because their child pushed your child.
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VS. |
Raising an Adult
LET THEM PLAY. We call it LAZY parenting. I actually heard a 6 year old say they didn’t know what an imagination was the other day! WHAT? Let them get dirty, stop watching every second. Let them get hurt. Let them solve their own conflict. This is why most of the world is SO passive Aggressive and doesn’t know how to receive criticism. Allow them to make mistakes.
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SCHOOL (age 5 to graduation)
Raising a Child
Your child is the perfect Angel that never does anything wrong. The teacher is just a hard ass, and doesn’t know what they are talking about. They can never be failed, so who cares if they actually do the work. Do the Volcano project for them because it takes less time. Think it’s just a phase and they will get over it.
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VS. |
Raising an Adult
This is a big one…. SIDE WITH THE TEACHERS….Unless the teacher is a total BEAST…I have met VERY few of those. If they say your child is NOT doing their homework, being a disruption in class, or is disrespectful, chances are ITS TRUE! If your kid got a low grade in class, chances are they deserve it. (I could go on about the whole school institution and how it’s DEFINITELY NOT geared towards a LARGE number of youth, but that is a WHOLE other article.) I am also mostly focusing on JR. HIGH/HIGH SCOOL here, unless there is an actual issue in terms of learning, OR the entire class is doing really badly because of a poor teacher, then chances are they did not EARN a higher grade and fighting the teacher on that is just teaching them that hard work is unnecessary if you know how to bully in the right way. In which case refer to RESPECTING ADULTS. Children, youth, adults are NOT perfect. They have to learn. If they are NEVER disciplined for their actions they turn into the jerk next to you at work you CANT stand!
School age is NOT just a phase they get over, it is actually their most FORMATIVE years. Treat them as such. |
I am sure I will probably add to this list as I go on with life. These are just some ways I have noticed the change in attitude, expectations and work ethic I have seen in the new adults coming out of school. The mentality of “I deserve this” or “You should do this for me” has been entrenched in a VERY large population and it’s scary to think about what that means for our future. You don’t have to look very far to see the results. I guess to summarize, I am a firm believer that kids should have their childhood, they should be allowed to be kids but we need, I believe, to find balance between protecting, providing and preparing. If you can find that sweet spot with your kids, the person sharing a cubicle with them in the future will thank you.
And just because this is a Catholic blog…. in the words of my husband, Catholic jerks are just Jerks…please don’t have a hand in raising one.
Sharon Leyne
And just because this is a Catholic blog…. in the words of my husband, Catholic jerks are just Jerks…please don’t have a hand in raising one.
Sharon Leyne
*From the perspective of a Catholic man.
The Showdown
It's Saturday morning. It is your first day off in weeks. You were very productive last night to ensure an epic sleep in. The blinds are drawn, your phone is off, the sheets are fresh, and you even remembered to turn your alarm off... and you never do that! The stage had been set for a sleep-in to end all sleep-ins. You look forward to a tranquil sleep the likes of which you have never encountered. Years later you'll look back on this particular sleep thinking, "maybe that was the lucid thing all the kids are talking about". Nothing was going to separate you from your bed. Nothing.
Then the inevitable happens. Either your neighbor starts cutting his lawn, your other neighbor starts building a fence (saw and all), or that friendly missionary religious group rings the doorbell wanting to talk to you about where your life is headed. It could be a number of different things, but they are all trying to do the same thing - wake you up. You will not be defeated. Not today. You toss and turn and toss and turn. You try to employ every strategy you know (counting the sheep, blocking out the sounds around you, earplugs), but nothing works.
Then the inevitable happens. Either your neighbor starts cutting his lawn, your other neighbor starts building a fence (saw and all), or that friendly missionary religious group rings the doorbell wanting to talk to you about where your life is headed. It could be a number of different things, but they are all trying to do the same thing - wake you up. You will not be defeated. Not today. You toss and turn and toss and turn. You try to employ every strategy you know (counting the sheep, blocking out the sounds around you, earplugs), but nothing works.
So what?
At this point, your mind has started to wander and bring up everything you should do today - the very same list the night before you were easily able to justify putting off until after your epic sleep. You are officially awake. Another great conflict rises within you. To get out of bed or not becomes the most difficult decision you've had to make in a long time. Your bed is at the perfect comfort / temperature level. It's an oasis of relaxation and contentment. It is a supportive cocoon that is eager to let you stay as long as you need. It is the only place at this moment that is allowing you to avoid facing the harsh realities of life.
Now you're probably wondering what this bed story has to do with discernment.
Everything.
We can get so comfortable in discernment that we don't want to leave.
Before I got married, I discerned. Boy did I discern. My wife and I discerned everything. We discerned marriage (naturally) - which was great. I discerned when and how to get engaged. Prior to that I discerned the priesthood. We even discerned whether or not we should date! Most of our energy was spent on trying to get a straight answer from God - a 'lightbulb' moment, if you will. All we wanted was a simple yes or no. Don't get me wrong, this resulted in me making one of the greatest decisions in my life, and I wouldn't trade the result for the world. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I may have gone about it differently.
At the core of my 'discernment' was what I initially identified as fear of making the wrong decision. I was so scared that if I made the wrong decision, God wouldn't love me anymore. It was one of the biggest conflicts in my life. On one hand I had these very strong desires for marriage that led me to peace and excitement, and on the other hand I had this fear. At the time I equated fear and anxiety with God. I thought these feelings were God's way of saying "Don't screw this up!" or "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" or "The only way to live a holy life is to be a priest even though you feel a strong call elsewhere". My image of God was not a healthy one. I was so scared he would be disappointed in me if I made the wrong decision.
*Sometimes we perceive our relationship with our heavenly father the same way we perceive our relationships with our earthly fathers. This is exactly what I was doing.*
I went to every one for advice. I asked so many people for their opinion in hopes of locating a direct messenger from God like some sort of Where's Waldo-esque scavenger hunt. If you're doing this, read Sirach 6: 6.
I was scared! I had to remember that God is love. And if I truly believe that, I should truly believe this too:
Everything.
We can get so comfortable in discernment that we don't want to leave.
Before I got married, I discerned. Boy did I discern. My wife and I discerned everything. We discerned marriage (naturally) - which was great. I discerned when and how to get engaged. Prior to that I discerned the priesthood. We even discerned whether or not we should date! Most of our energy was spent on trying to get a straight answer from God - a 'lightbulb' moment, if you will. All we wanted was a simple yes or no. Don't get me wrong, this resulted in me making one of the greatest decisions in my life, and I wouldn't trade the result for the world. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I may have gone about it differently.
At the core of my 'discernment' was what I initially identified as fear of making the wrong decision. I was so scared that if I made the wrong decision, God wouldn't love me anymore. It was one of the biggest conflicts in my life. On one hand I had these very strong desires for marriage that led me to peace and excitement, and on the other hand I had this fear. At the time I equated fear and anxiety with God. I thought these feelings were God's way of saying "Don't screw this up!" or "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" or "The only way to live a holy life is to be a priest even though you feel a strong call elsewhere". My image of God was not a healthy one. I was so scared he would be disappointed in me if I made the wrong decision.
*Sometimes we perceive our relationship with our heavenly father the same way we perceive our relationships with our earthly fathers. This is exactly what I was doing.*
I went to every one for advice. I asked so many people for their opinion in hopes of locating a direct messenger from God like some sort of Where's Waldo-esque scavenger hunt. If you're doing this, read Sirach 6: 6.
I was scared! I had to remember that God is love. And if I truly believe that, I should truly believe this too:
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment,
and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love."
(1 John 4:18)
and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love."
(1 John 4:18)
You see, there was one big thing I was leaving out of the picture: FREE WILL. I thought, "I know I have free will, but I couldn't possibly have it in choosing a vocation." I was scared because I knew that my training wheels were off, but I didn't want God to let go of the bike seat. I was scared of making a decision. I was comfortable in discernment. I was feeling sorry for myself.
This is where those amazing words of God to Job come in: Gird up your loins like a man. I understand I am probably taking these words a bit out of context, but they really spoke to me. How often do we have other guys telling us to 'man up', 'be a man', or 'gird up your loins'? I wish I had people telling me that! This is exactly what I needed to hear back then.
Make a decision!
This is where those amazing words of God to Job come in: Gird up your loins like a man. I understand I am probably taking these words a bit out of context, but they really spoke to me. How often do we have other guys telling us to 'man up', 'be a man', or 'gird up your loins'? I wish I had people telling me that! This is exactly what I needed to hear back then.
Make a decision!
The Roses
At the core of our discernment was the ever popular Novena to St. Therese of Lisieux. Throughout our Novena, my hopefully soon-to-be girlfriend and I kept seeing red and white roses. I asked for Red if we were supposed to pursue a relationship, and she asked for white (unbeknownst to me). We each got both. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine about a Novena he did. He sought some direction from a priest, and the priest told him that it sounded like he had a choice. As my (now) wife and I shared our Novena results (like we just got our exam marks back), that priests answer to my friend resonated in my heart. Perhaps we also have a choice. We did have a choice! We have free will and "we know that all things work for good for those who love God" (Romans 8: 28). So what's the problem!? When we realized this, we began our relationship and discernment of marriage. Again, with our marriage discernment, it was also choice. But let's be honest... by that point I knew I wanted to marry her.
Now, don't get me wrong. Novena's are beautiful and I wouldn't be where I am today without praying that novena. But, God revealed to me through this Novena that I had a choice. If only I had known/believed that beforehand.
Now, don't get me wrong. Novena's are beautiful and I wouldn't be where I am today without praying that novena. But, God revealed to me through this Novena that I had a choice. If only I had known/believed that beforehand.
Choice Time
You see, there is a beginning and an end to discernment. It is important to identify both. As much as it seems that we call upon her intercession, Our Lady of Perpetual Discernment is not a prayer card you can buy in any Catholic book store. And yet, it seems like many of us have a strong devotion to her. Weird.
So to all you guys out there who are discerning a vocation, good luck. Know, however, that there is an end to it too. I am not telling you to rush into anything. Make sure you discern. But, know when to stop.
Don't be afraid to make a decision.
In the words of my good friend and fellow Silversmith Collective contributor, Colm Leyne:
"Sometimes God's will is for us to make a choice".
As a previous spiritual director of mine once put it, "You'll never win the lottery if you don't buy a damn ticket!"
In closing, I will leave you with a great visual from The Art of Manliness detailing the process of girding up one's loins.
We're all in this together.
- Lance
Don't be afraid to make a decision.
In the words of my good friend and fellow Silversmith Collective contributor, Colm Leyne:
"Sometimes God's will is for us to make a choice".
As a previous spiritual director of mine once put it, "You'll never win the lottery if you don't buy a damn ticket!"
In closing, I will leave you with a great visual from The Art of Manliness detailing the process of girding up one's loins.
We're all in this together.
- Lance
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