When I am in it, I am in it. I know it, my husband knows it, and my daughter, without really knowing what IT is, knows it.
 
It is a dark and lonely place. The old adage “you could be in a crowded room and still feel alone.” Yeah. That is somewhat true. It is lonely in the people sense. No one understands, no one gets me, my body is present but my mind is not. In that sense, yes it is extremely lonely. What makes depression a tad different is that you’re not truly alone, your inner monologue that plays over and over like a broken record keeps you company, and OH what company it keeps!
 
When you have lived over a decade with this voice in your head it can easily become the one you trust the most. These last few weeks this voice and I have had our regular love affair. The hard part is, just like any love affair you tend to tune everyone else out, have your blinders on and focus solely on that one object of all your affection. 

This is getting weird, I can feel you shifting in your seat saying “what the heck is this? This chick is off her rocker”. You would be right sir. I am off my rocker.
 
Setting the love affair analogy aside for a minute, let me describe the physical effects depression has. Have you ever run a full out marathon, like the full 26 miles? Yes? Well, look at you, aren’t you the epitome of health and fitness! I bet you like to casually bring it up in random conversation. Like, we could be talking about cheese and you say, “yes, this Gouda reminds me of the smooth pavement in the 26 mile marathon I ran last week.” And I would go on eating my cheese loathing you. 

As you can guess, I have not run a full marathon, but I imagine the pure exhaustion I have is similar to that of having just run one. How would I know? Well, there was a study that said if you are pregnant, you use up as much energy as that of a marathon runner. At least I think there was, or maybe I just read that in PEOPLE, but I would like to believe it’s true. It makes me feel like a super hero. “OH, you ran a marathon? I grew a LEG!”

When I am in it, the very thought of anything exhausts me. It really is a true feat to just get my kids food. Every step throughout the day, from the moment I wake up, every decision, every movement, feels as though I am wading through 4 feet of thick goopy mud, and when it gets really bad,  it’s 5 feet… and that‘s how tall I am. Yes, I am short. It gets hard to breath, and it gets hard to think of anyone else.  With great difficulty, I will admit, a lot of those days, it is hard to think of my children first, and then not get annoyed that Ezzie needs a diaper change. This may seem selfish, this may seem like I am a terrible mom, or person. Trust me, that is what I am saying to myself already in those times. 

My long term companion that I have been with for over a decade has convinced me that I am that. I am a terrible mother, I am a terrible spouse. What is the point? Why do I try? Why am I here? What good am I? You look awful! Why did you eat that slice of cheesecake? Oh dear GOD, why did you eat the WHOLE cheesecake?

I can hardly believe that anyone would say such things, but this is what the big D says to me. This is what I believe, for days, weeks, sometimes months at a time. So why then would I not just break up with this companion, why would I continue this abusive relationship?
 
Here is the simple and sad answer. It’s familiar. I know it so well. I know the ins and outs of this relationship; therefore, it can’t really disappoint me. Colm teases that I like to burrow. When I am cozy and tired. I burrow. That is what I do when I am in it. I burrow. Quite frankly, breaking up with someone you have lived most of your adult life with just can't be easily done. Have you tried it? There has been way too much investment of time. It is not a switch you turn off forever. Like any long term relationship you've had, there is a permanent imprint. Unlike a real relationship though, depression is lurking around a hidden corner trying to win you back. This relationship is one that will probably be on and off again for years, maybe my whole life.  It is ingrained in every fibre of my being, and only those closest to me know when I am going through it….well now those I am closest to and all those who are reading this, in my head it’s thousands. 

So, the truth is, I guess, between God, Colm, and depression, I am a polygamist...

Now my point. Where is the solace, the glimmer of hope, in an otherwise depressing post? My solace and my hope is when I break up with my companion, and get through the mud, come up for air, and see the light again, I think to myself, “how, how can anyone, how does anyone get through that without faith?” The same time that I am being told how awful I am, and how there is nothing but sorrow, I am screaming out “Where are you GOD?! Why is this happening?” Through the mud, through the dark, when I have doubt, by some miracle, I still fight with Him. Even when I become complacent and burrow in my depression, I can still take comfort that He hears me.  My relationship with Him is just as pronounced as my relationship with Depression. When I am in love with depression I am fighting with God, and when I am in love with God, I am fighting depression.  Whether you are fighting or loving, you are still in a relationship, at least that’s what my priest says. 

Sharon Leyne

Along with being the creator of Deep Thoughts Big Red Chair, in which she exploits her children for laughs, Sharon is also proud to be the co-creator and illustrator of the Saint of the Day for Kids app. Having attended film school, giving her life for two years with NET ministries, being a former parish and school youth minister, writing and playing music on the side, working for the Diocese of Saskatoon, and being a wife and mother, Sharon’s skill in NOT knowing what she wants to be when she grows up has allowed her to venture into exciting territory. She does not plan on changing that any time soon. With all of the gifts, projects, and talent, the main focus of it all has been evangelizing in a unique way.

I have been involved in Youth Ministry in one way or another since 2006. My current journey to becoming a teacher has shown me the importance of reflection. As I reflect on my Youth Ministry experiences and the wonderful people I have met over the years, one issue seems to always come to the front of my mind, and I feel the need to talk about it and speak to youth about it as well. This issue is Living in the Shadows.

This issue doesn't appear where you may think. It happens within those amazingly faithful, well-put-together Catholic families. You see them in Mass all the time. I have a lot of respect and admiration for them. For the most part, they are the token model of what I would like my family to be some day. They usually have more than four kids - two or more have graduated. Usually one or two of the kids has gone off and done some sort of 'Catholic God Stuff' - whether it be joining a ministry like CCO, FOCUS, or NET, heading to bible school, or entering the seminary. These kids are usually celebrated by the Catholic community for their openness to God's will in their lives, and their service of the Church (as they should be). They are giving up a year or more of their lives to discern God's will and serve His people. This is very noble and admirable. 

My question is: What about the other kids?

What about the other kids? What about the younger children? The siblings? Yes, they have amazing role models to look up to and aspire to be like, but I think that more times than not they feel like they are living in the shadows of their super holy brothers and sisters, and feel like if they don't follow the same path as them, they will be looked at as failures.

Now, I know for a fact that in most cases, this would never happen on purpose. No parents that I know would ever feel that way about their kids... ever! 

The problem is, the kids can still feel this way themselves. And some of them do.

Every time I have spoken to youth about this topic, the younger children of these amazing families seem to connect with it. They can relate. One talk touched on how they shouldn't be so hard on themselves because God loves them no matter what. The conference I was speaking at had a lot of youth from very strong Catholic families in attendance, and as I was up there, I felt moved to touch on this topic. I mentioned that for those in attendance who have brothers and sisters who have gone before them and done cool stuff for God like join a ministry, take the pressure off yourself to live up to that and figure out what God wants for YOU. Some youth came up to me after the talk and thanked me. One young man in particular said, "before your talk, I hated myself". That hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw many students shake their heads in agreement with me. They can relate to this stuff. 

Sometimes I think we forget about these children and assume they're fine because they come from stable, well-established, faithful homes. But the truth is, they are searching for purpose, meaning, and identity just a much as the rest of them. Sometimes they can be easily forgotten.

We need to encourage them and let them know that they don't have to follow the same path as their brother or sister who seem to have it all together.

We need to tell them that there are so many ways to holiness - That they don't need to do the same thing as their super holy brother or sister - That they can be holy in their own special way... their own quiet way. 

We need to tell them that they have a purpose. 

We need to encourage them in the fact that God has an amazing and unique plan set aside for them, and empower them to find it, own it, and embrace it. 

We need to remember those youth Living in the Shadows of their family members and invite them out into the light of their own legacy, their own story, their own journey with Christ, and their own purpose. 

We need to.

- Lance Rosen

Father’s Day… one of those last minute, almost forgotten about holidays for teachers.  Honestly, what teacher is able to think of some cutesy, genuinely thoughtful gift for their students’ fathers while they are busy preparing report cards, field trips, and year-end slideshows? Well, I thought I had a gift that at least adequately fit those descriptors.  We were going to make cookies and decorate cookie jars just for dad! It was going to be fun and my students were going to love it! 

The first thing I hear as I pull out the jars… “Those jars are ugly!”… “Do we seriously have to paint these jars? Can’t we just draw with Sharpies?”… “Those jars are so small! How are we even going to fit cookies in there??” 

Yep… there go my dreams of a positive and fun assignment.  Fly away little dreams, fly away!

This past year has been a rather trying one in terms of keeping things positive.  Not too far into the year I had to start up a “positivity jar” where students would earn marbles for every (genuinely) positive comment I heard.  Let’s just say that the jar stopped, as it was the slowest earning jar we had ever seen.  After every negative comment I heard, I would attempt to model an opposing positive comment or try to get the student to come up with their own positive comment (which would almost always end in an eye roll). 

Now, I’m trying not to complain here, and I’m really trying to stay positive, but where have all the positive children gone?? I have to ask myself how these 10 year old's have managed to become so cynical and pessimistic.  The only answer I have come up with is, well, it’s us adults. On to story number two… (which happened later that day).

On my long drive home I came up to a rather busy intersection during one of Lethbridge’s few rush hours, and traffic was stalled a bit.  As it slowly got moving, I was on my way to the next set of lights, when they turn yellow.  I had enough time to stop and wasn’t exactly up for running a red light, so I stopped.  I look behind me in my rear-view mirror and see this lovely elderly gentlemen cussing me out and waving his hands frantically at me just begging me to keep going.  This goes on for another 20 seconds.  I merely smile back at him.

Now, this gentleman looked like he was on his own, but how many times has something like this happened when there were small children around? How many times has a child witnessed mom, dad, aunt, or uncle, come home and do nothing but complain about their day? How often do children get to witness an adult criticizing the waitress or meal at a restaurant? I don’t know about you guys, but I think it’s time as adults we need to step up and actually think about what we say around those sponge-like minds around us. We need to start thinking about how we can transform the negative circumstances into positive ones.  How can we show that we are grateful for those opportunities that challenge us to greater growth? Isn't it in the bible that it says "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  We need to teach our children to give thanks in all circumstances instead of complaining and whining. God doesn't promise us an easy, trouble-free life, He promises a "future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11), and to care for us through our anxieties (see 1 Peter 5:7). 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those people who go around whistling a happy tune with a 100-watt grin on all day… I can definitely get into a complaint mode.  I need to vent.  We all need to vent. Otherwise we’d all explode! But maybe, just maybe, we need to keep those times for when we can share it with another adult who can handle it, instead of sharing it around those who are still forming their personalities?

Just a thought.


Katie.

Kids these days. A common phrase I had never DREAMED of using when I was younger. Today I find myself saying it more and more as the gap between me and High School graduates grows significantly larger.

 Now that I am a parent I dub myself an expert at child rearing and shall offer my opinions and judgments freely to others parents…just kidding! I am NO expert, far from it. Everyday I learn something new from my kids and other parents around me. This post is simply an observation, an opinion formed from A) having once been a kid, B) working with youth/young adults, and C) the smallest bit I have learned being a mother to a 5 and almost 1 year old.

 Back in the day, in my parent’s time, children were workers. They worked on the farm, worked in the shop, the family store, etc.  When they were done their chores they could play. They also knew HOW to play, use their imagination, resolve conflict, quickly learn about action and consequence, and finally you were NOT entitled nor deserved anything, you earned it. 

Now many decades have passed. There are a VAST amount of studies and articles about the effects of too much technology. I will not delve into that. There is also the sad and disturbing reality that our world is not safe. The increase in abductions, molestations, child abuse etc. has led to the sad state where we can no longer send our children off to the park unsupervised to play until supper. Even at the tail end of my childhood that was coming to effect.

 So what is the point of this article? Well, somehow with all the changes that have happened we have gone from raising well-adjusted, self-reliant adults, to over grown children.  There are a MULTITUDE of factors that play into this, but I am going to focus on the easy fixes as well as the LESS offensive….. 

I am sure I will probably add to this list as I go on with life. These are just some ways I have noticed the change in attitude, expectations and work ethic I have seen in the new adults coming out of school. The mentality of “I deserve this” or “You should do this for me” has been entrenched in a VERY large population and it’s scary to think about what that means for our future. You don’t have to look very far to see the results. I guess to summarize, I am a firm believer that kids should have their childhood, they should be allowed to be kids but we need, I believe, to find balance between protecting, providing and preparing. If you can find that sweet spot with your kids, the person sharing a cubicle with them in the future will thank you.

And just because this is a Catholic blog…. in the words of my husband, Catholic jerks are just Jerks…please don’t have a hand in raising one.


Sharon Leyne